My father always bemoans slow drivers on the highway. Get a parachute for your dad and avoid the traffic! Need to get to work? SWOOP. Need milk from the grocery store? SWOOOP. Have nothing to do? SWOOOOP!
2. Time Machine
He's always talking about the "good ol' days," as if the advent of Facebook and hybrid cars has created a generation of sissies. Send him back to those "better times." He won't be able to complain anymore, and he'll realize how annoying it is to live without a cell phone.
3. Superhero Outfit
What better way to inflate your dad's ego on Father's Day then buying him a superhero costume? With a cape, everything seems more heroic. Paying for that traffic bill will be "IN THE NAME OF JUSTICE."
4. Telepathy / Heat Vision
Or just give the guy a superpower. With telepathy he can read your mom's thoughts and realize a trip to the local putt-putt course is not considered a romantic getaway. With heat vision he can barbecue without using those messy charcoal pieces.
5. Pirate Riches
Giving money as a gift isn't classy. So why not give him GOLDEN money. (Extra points if the treasure doesn't have a curse on it that is only broken through an elaborate, sea-buckling adventure.)
6. His Own Baseball Team
If I hear my dad complain about the ridiculousness of athletes' inflated salaries one more time I will spontaneously combust. With his own sports team, a dad can run things HIS way. (Fred Wilpon got all mixed up with the Madoffs, so the Mets might be on sale soon...)
7. Fonzsworth Bentley
Bentley rose to fame by carrying Sean "Diddy" Combs' umbrella and wearing a bow-tie simultaneously. So he's the obvious choice for your dad's valet / assistant / umbrella-carrier / food-feeder / climbing-up-stairs-carrier.
Lots of chicks dig musicians. Give your dad a sitar and he can woo your mother like a Middle Ages-era Hindu. Soooo hipster.
9. A Crime Conglomerate
Does he love "The Sopranos?" Organize a complex crime organization and then give your father the reigns. He can wear a pinstripe suit and say things like "Fuhgeddaboutit" and not feel like a poser.
10. A Snuggie
C'mon. Everyone wants a snuggie. If they say they don't, then they're lying.
11. A Cannon
The second amendment protects a "right to bear arms" and this totally counts. Your dad will have more fun shooting off the cannon if you also buy him a powdered wig.
12. His Own Country
Think about the things your dad complains about. Taxes. No parking spots. Those friggin' hooligans stepping on his lawn. With his own country, you'll never have to hear his angry rants again.
13. His Own Religion/Cult
Kim Jong Il has millions of adoring, brainwashed followers, why shouldn't papa?
Gnomes aren't really that useful, but he won't see this one coming at ALL. "Guess what I got you for Father's Day..."
15. A Tiger
As popularized by "The Hangover," tigers aren't JUST super dangerous jungle cats. They can also be pets! Your dad can ride the tiger, pet the tiger, and get two tigers and pit them against each other in a "Last Tiger Standing" face-off.