“Well, birthdays are merely symbolic of how another year has gone by and how little we’ve grown. No matter how desperate we are that someday a better self will emerge, with each flicker of the candles on the cake, we know it’s not to be, that for the rest of our sad, wretched pathetic lives, this is who we are to the bitter end. Inevitably, irrevocably; happy birthday? No such thing.”
– Jerry from Seinfeld, Season 4, Ep 15 “The Visa”
Yes, Jerry Seinfeld turns 59 today and we’d like wish the Brooklyn-born comedian and Mets fan a happy birthday. To celebrate, here are 15 jokes from Seinfeld to make you laugh.
What’s the deal with marriage?
“I was the best man at the wedding. If I’m the best man, why is she marrying him?”
What’s the deal with the news?
“It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.”
What’s the deal with dating?
What is a date really, but a job interview that lasts all night? The only difference is that in not many job interviews is there a chance you’ll wind up naked.
What’s the deal with birthdays?
“You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, ‘See if you can blow this out.'”
What’s the deal with relationships?
“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.”
What’s the deal with man’s best friend?
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge.”
What’s the deal with laundry?
“Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.”
What’s the deal with Christmas?
“That’s the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.”
What’s the deal with fear?
“According to most studies, people’s number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you’re better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.”
What’s the deal with war?
“The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. ‘Come on, buddy, let’s go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he’s got a spoon. Back off. I’ve got the toe clippers right here.'”
What’s the deal with architecture?
“Why do they call it a ‘building?’ It looks like they’re finished. Why isn’t it a ‘built?'”
What’s the deal with jobs?
“I have a friend who’s collecting unemployment insurance. This guy has never worked so hard in his life as he has to keep this thing going. He’s down there every week, waiting on the lines and getting interviewed and making up all these lies about looking for jobs. If they had any idea of the effort and energy that he is expending to avoid work, I’m sure they’d give him a raise.”
What’s the deal with cooking shows?
“I will never understand why they cook on TV. I can’t smell it. Can’t eat it. Can’t taste it. The end of the show they hold it up to the camera, ‘Well, here it is. You can’t have any. Thanks for watching. Goodbye.'”
What’s the deal with space and time?
“You can measure distance by time. ‘How far away is it?’ ‘Oh about 20 minutes.’ But it doesn’t work the other way. ‘When do you get off work?’ ‘Around 3 miles.'”
What’s the deal with discretion?
“You know what I never get with the limo? The tinted windows. Is that so people don’t see you? Yeah, what a better way not to have people notice you than taking a thirty foot Cadillac with a TV antenna and a uniformed driver. How discreet. Nobody cares who’s in the limo. You see a limo go by, you know it’s either some rich jerk or fifty prom kids with $1.75 each.”
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